


Crawling

by NochuGotchu



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Abuse, Divorce, F/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-11-23 14:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18153368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NochuGotchu/pseuds/NochuGotchu
Summary: "Sometimes it's great, but a lot of times for me, it's really hard. And no matter how I'm feeling, I always find myself struggling with certain patterns of behavior… I find myself stuck in the same thing that keeps repeating over and over again, and I'm just, like, 'How did I end up…? How am I in this?' " - Chester Bennington" Even if you feel like a mess and that you can't escape from what's happening, like you're stuck in cycle, I would be here right at your side. I'd hold your hand and lead you out of the cycle. " - Cyrene LucasCurrently on Hiatus





	1. A Stranger

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ScorpyR](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpyR/gifts).



July 02, 2017

Linkin Park Concert

CYRENE POV

  
I have been a fan of Linkin Park since the release of their album, The Hybrid Theory. It was the first album I ever owned, and it was also the first album I had that was recorded on a cassette tape. There was something about the lyrics of their songs that just resonate deeply within me. Another factor that got me hooked on them was Chester Bennington's voice. His voice always seems to embody the emotions of the song, like he was telling a story straight from the soul. Like he was baring his soul for all to see. The raw emotions and the vulnerability present in his eyes.

 

Today, I would finally be seeing Linkin Park in person. After years of watching their concerts online, I was finally able to afford the tickets for their concert and watch them live. I was standing in front of the metal barricades at the side of the runway attached to the stage. I was happy to be able to see Mike and Chester up close whenever they stood in the runway. However, the sight of Chester, every time he neared where I stood, made my heart clench painfully. He looked different. The normally muted pain in his eyes was clearly visible. It was more than just pain, he looked anguished, like he was slowly dying on the inside. After their performance for New Divide, Chester, as always, started stripping his red plaid shirt and was left in his white wife beater shirt. During Waiting for the End, Chester made his way down the stage and sang near the barricades. He started reaching out and touched the fans’ hands. He held some for a while and others were given brief shakes. He walked to another part of the audience area as One more Light began to play. He looked more subdued. Somehow sadder. His voice seemed to shake at parts and I just know that he was thinking of Chris and dedicating it to him. Chester seemed to be holding back his tears as he closed his eyes and reached out his hand out blindly to the fans in front of him.

 

As the beginning notes of Crawling played, Chester went near the barricade where I stood.

  
“Do you want to sing? You want so sing?” He asked a girl standing near me. The guy next to her answered Chester for her.

 

“She wants to sing with you!”

 

“Okay. You all have to sing with me. Everybody. I know you all know the lyrics.”

 

During Crawling, Chester went to the barricade in front of me and stood on it. He was right in front of me and the anguish in his eyes and voice hit me deeply. It felt like a punch on the chest as the intensity of his emotions made me lose my breath. I felt myself get jostled by the crowd, as they reached for Chester, and realized that I’ve been staring at him with tears on my face. I quickly wiped my tears away and looked at the crowd surrounding me. They were all smiling and happily singing along as they reached out to touch Chester. I turned my gaze back to Chester and his eyes met mine. I repressed the urge to look away at the sheer intensity of his gaze and mouthed,

 

"You'll be okay."

 

He startled for a moment and closed his eyes as he sang. He never looked my way again as he went back to the stage.

 

As Chester was singing Heavy, the lyrics of the song seemed to make more sense than ever as I saw him performing it live and could see the effects of the lyrics had with him. He seemed world weary, like he has the world on his shoulders. He had always seemed confident on the stage but during Heavy, he seemed to hunch himself inwards. Like he just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. After the song, he removed the wife beater he was wearing, as if he letting go of the baggage he was carrying.

 

_‘Was it supposed to symbolize something?’_

 

CHESTER POV

  
The band was on another tour. We were getting ready backstage, talking about last minute changes on the queue of the songs we would be playing. I was fixing myself some coffee to drink as I got lost in my thoughts.

 

Mike seemed to have to noticed me drifting off as he started to play some random notes on the keyboard and asked me to sing about bubbles, of all things.

A-one, two, three four  
Bubbles, bubbles  
I wish my name was bubbles, bubbles  
I wish my friends were bubbles, bubbles  
I ride my car on bubbles, bubbles  
I go real far on bubbles  
On bubbles

  
I did a freestyle with the lyrics and gradually got immersed with the music. Music has always been one of the outlets I could use to express all the pain I have felt and have been feeling. Music was the best choice that I could have turned to after I turned away from alcohol and drugs. I stopped because I wanted to change. I must set a better example for my kids.

 

After I finished my heavenly coffee and the band stopped goofing around, we started our rehearsals and last minute sound checks for the concert. Crawling is still the hardest song for me to sing live but, One More Light is a close second. It was hard to sing Crawling because of the way it must be sang but One More Light is hard to sing because of the pain and memories that rises to the surface.

 

As the concert begun, it was nice to see all the fans that supported our band. The fans sang along with us and it made me feel as if the music connects us to them. It felt as if the lyrics of our songs speak to them and help them get through the problems that they face. Before the beginning notes of Invisible started, I felt that it was getting too hot and I was sweating heavily. I began to remove the red plaid shirt I was wearing. I was left wearing a white wife beater and it felt nice to feel the wind on my bare skin as it somewhat cooled me down. The guys started to play, our song, Waiting for the End and I started to head down the stage. I walked along the barricades, touching and holding the hands of fans. I randomly stopped in front of a barricade, stepped on it, and started to sing. As the last notes for Waiting for the End drifted off and One More Light started up, I walked to another part of the audience and closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling as I dedicated the song to my friend, Chris.

 

As the beginning notes of our song, Crawling, drifted through the air, I made my way to another part of the audience area. All the fans close to my vicinity reached out to me and I tried my best to hold their hands and look them in the eyes in order to convey my gratitude to them for coming to our concert and supporting our band.

 

As I looked at the fans, I noticed a woman staring at me. She looked as if she was staring right through my soul, while seemingly seeing past me, and I was startled to see tears stream down her face. I was about to look away when I noticed her snap out of her trance as she got jostled by the crowd. Her gaze met mine and I was puzzled to see the understanding in her eyes.

 

_'What did she see? What does she understand?'_

 

I held her gaze and it felt like my heart stopped as she mouthed,

 

"You'll be okay."

 

I closed my eyes to stop my tears from falling. I can’t break down in the middle of the concert.

 

_‘What did this woman, a stranger, see in me? How could I ever be okay when these days it increasingly got harder for me to distract myself from my thoughts? I just could not imagine a world without Chris. I feel guilty and I’ve been afraid to be alone these days because I’m afraid of what I would do once we get a break from tour. My mid is a mess and I feel trapped inside my own mind and don’t know what to do.’_

 

I forced myself out of my thoughts and noticed that I went through the motions of going back up the stage and had been singing through Heavy unconsciously. It was like the song I was unconsciously singing made my thoughts drift off to the meaning behind the song’s lyrics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo! So.... I had this idea in my head and I just wanted to get it out. I don't have the time to write it all out in one sitting so I'd be updating every week, or so, instead. 
> 
> I want to thank ScorpyR for giving me the courage to write and post this soooo... Thank You :)
> 
> Happy Birthday, Chester. Thank You, your voice continues to give me strength.


	2. A Familiar Stranger

03 July 2017

  
  
CHESTER P.O.V  
  
  
  
Yesterday, our concert lasted late into the night and I never returned or looked back at the general area that woman stood in. I was afraid of what I saw in her eyes and the expression she had. The possibility that she could very well see straight through the walls I've built over the years was terrifying. Through the years, I have only ever let a few people in but never all the way through. Only a few people have seen me at my lowest. All the public had were speculations based on the lyrics of the songs I write and the answers I give during interviews. Time may have healed some of my wounds and hurts since I joined the band and found a healthier outlet for my emotions but, that was it, I never healed all the way through. Beneath the scabs that covered my wounds, everything was still raw and a matter of seconds could make them bleed again. I may be surrounded by my family, friends, and fans and I know that they may understand but they would never know. I feel like I'm stuck in my mind, stuck in an endless cycle that I know I'm trapped in but could never escape.

  
  


What I saw in that woman’s eyes and the expression she wore always manage to creep back into my mind whenever I’m not busy. Today is a rest day for the band and the other members are off doing their own things. I spent the day lounging around and trying to write lyrics. I could only manage a few verses that were not interconnected and cannot  be compiled to a single song. 

  
  


I groaned and slumped back on the couch. I removed my glasses and rubbed my temples. The silence inside my hotel room getting to me. I need to get some air and walk around or I would lose myself to the silence. I stood up and grabbed a jacket and beanie to ward off the chill in the air at night. I put the keycard of my hotel room and my phone inside my pocket. I wandered the  streets aimlessly and ended up hearing the sound of someone busking. I followed the music and saw a crowd gathered around a fountain. I approached the crowd and saw the woman from the concert sitting on the edge of the fountain. She was the one singing while playing a guitar. The case of her guitar was laid open on the ground at her feet. There were a few bills and coins inside and I noticed a sign propped inside the  guitar case with the words  ** ‘If you’re homeless, hungry, or needed help please take as much money as you want’ written on it.  **

  
  


I tried to get closer to drop a few bills myself. It was hard to navigate my way through the crowd. The area was crowded and a lot of people seemed to be lost in the music. I looked up and saw the woman have her eyes closed as she sang the last few notes of the song she was currently playing. After she finished the song, she propped her guitar on a stand and took a swig off her water bottle. She seemes to have a hard time unscrewing the bottle with her left hand. She seemed to wince as if in pain and I wondered why as she looked to have been playing the guitar with ease awhile ago.

  
  


“Hello! These last two songs I’d be playing today is dedicated to those who feel lost or feel like they are in a rut. Hope these songs could give you guys some peace or a little bit of  hope.” 

  
  


She looked like an angel as she said that. The light from the street lamp behind her  illuminated her and made it seem like she had a halo. Her cheeks were flushed as she smiled widely at the crowd. She picked up her guitar and started playing as she sang.

  
  


When the memories come to haunt you with a sad lie   
"No one loves you, they all leave you! So why even try?"

  
  


I can’t seem to let anyone in. Everytime I try to let people in, they leave me alone. It seemed as if I drive people away. I always expect the rejection and disgust when I open myself up to people, as a result of the horrors of my past, but the expectation doesn’t make the reality of disgust and rejection any easier to accept. It makes me even more disgusted with myself.

  
  


Let Truth hold you in loving arms tonight   
When you feel like you're the only one you can trust

  
  


Trust is hard for me to give. Everytime I trust someone with my true self I got burned. Being disappointed with myself for still having hopr only to get hurt in the end and being disappointed for myself for having turned to self-destructive behavior and driving people that could actually stay.

  
  


And it proves a lie when you're the one who self-destructs   
Let Truth hold you in loving arms tonight   
When no one else can save you   
Remember   
You're not alone   
Beyond the universe   
Echoes of a promise to us   
Where the darkness meets the day   
You're not alone

  
  


No one can save me but me. Do I still wish to be saved? Being stuck in this endless cycle even if I know what is happening, the consequences of my thoughts and behavior, and even if I know I’m heading towards destruction, I can’t seem to stop and swerve towards another path.

  
  


Close as the two of us   
Stronger than the pain runs through us   
You can hear the angels sing   
You're not alone   
You're not alone

  
  


The song she sang resonated deep within me. It made feel as if I was not alone and that I could overcome this. My chest felt constricted and my throat felt like it was closing up but at the same time there was warmth in my chest. It made wonder how long this feelings of hope would last. I snapped out of ny contemplation when she started strumming the chords for her next and last song. 

 

Don't give up yet   
Stop trying to pretend   
You're never gonna change   
That might be true

You're gonna be a better you

  
  


Could I really change to a better me? I haven’t had drugs for years and I’ve been trying to quit drinking; however, there are times when I just couldn’t stop myself from drinking when I get too down.

  
  


Looking for signs   
In the corner of your eyes   
Take a breath and step outside   
Don't hide the Light inside of you   
  


 

How could I when people has this image of me? How could I when I, myself, am stuck in a loop and can’t seem to get out? 

  
  


Tears stain your eyes   
But you didn't give up the fight   
And now the fear won't paralyze   
So leave your broken satellite

  
  


But I can’t help but think about ending it. After Chris’s suicide I’ve been stuck in a rut more than ever. Combined with the problems at home it just seemed too much. I haven’t completely given up but could I continue doing this?

  
  


Every breath is a chance to know yourself   
And show them what you're made of now   
Forgiveness is the sweetest sound

  
  


Would my children forgove for my weakness? Would they forgive me if left them to fend for themselves? Woyuld the band forgive me for leaving them?

  
  


One step closer   
We're looking out for brighter days   
One step closer   
We'll find our way back Home   
Time to go Home   
Every chance we take will lead us through the Unknown   
Home   
  


 

I don’t know what to do. What is home? People say that home is where the heart is but what if there is nowhere the heart could go to? What if there was no heart left after it was beaten down one too many times.

  
  


After she strummed her guitar for the last time, she started thanking the people for their time and donations. The crowd started to disperse and she began to collect the money from her guitar case and putting her guitar inside it. She picked up her case and started to walk away. I saw her approach a homeless person and gave them the remaining money from the donations. She really was something. Ever since our eyes met during the concert, I can’t help but think about her. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Centralized sentences are song lyrics. The lyrics used were Lacey Sturm's You're Not Alone and Flyleaf's Home.


End file.
